The following is a story written by myself, entitled The Big Slug. I really would like to hear your opinions on it. Please write your comments or questions to estefan@simarchitect.com. I am awating your thoughts.

Note: Title your e-mail The Big Slug or else it won't be read.

Carl Denham was drinking his champagne at the Warner Brothers studio and laughing with his fellow filmmaker friends. He could not believe that he was here. Just last year, he was rejected by every studio in town and now after the enormous success of his blockbuster, King Kong The Eighth Wonder of the World, he was with the big dogs. He was having the greatest time until one chairman asked him what his next project would be. Carl was basking in the glory for so long, that he hadn't realised that he hadn't thought of what he was doing next. In a hurry, he said that he would be right back. He quickly ran to the nearest telephone booth outside and dialed a number. "Shubert's Theatre", it said on the other line. Carl quickly spat into the receiver, "It's Carl Denham, I need to speak to Jack immediatelly." "I'm sorry," the voice on the other end replied, "but he is on his honeymoon."

Carl shut down the receiver and quickly remembered that he and Anne were on their honeymoon. However, unbeknowst to him, they were actually in the Shubert's Theatre performing a production of Great Expectations. and didn't want to work with Carl again after his last fiasco. In fact, it was the same case with the rest of his crew and it was all because that damn dirty ape fell of the Empire Strike Building. He kept telling them that it was "Beauty killed the Beast", but they thought he was senile. He needed to find a new cast and crew, but first he needed a story idea. Unfortunately, Carl had writer's block ever since ten when his brother hit him on the head with a toy hammer. So, Carl thought of what studios did when they ran out of ideas: make a sequel.

Even though Carl Denham was unable to write screenplays, he could still direct pictures and thus was intelligent enough to know that going back to Skull Island for his sequel would not be a good idea. The first time he went there, he was almost killed by the natives, so he knew not to make the same mistake twice. He drove over to Chinatown to talk to the same man who had sold him the map for his previous expedition. He walked into the shop of the 80-year-old Mister Chan and immediatelly he was recognised. "Ah, Mr. Denham. I see that you are back for something new." Carl sighed and told him that he wanted a map to a brand new island. Mister Chan started to frown and told him that after that fiasco with the giant gorilla, he won't sell him another map again. That monkey will be the death of me, Carl thought to himself at that very moment.

He decided to browse the shop and think of a plan in the meanwhile. Just when Mister Chan walked into the backroom, Carl immediatelly grabbed some maps out of a pot and ran out. He jumped into his car and a couple of minutes later, he heard the sounds of gun shots and what he assumed to be Chinese swear words. He returned to the studio and wiped his forehead with a handkerchief. He then rushed to his office and spread the maps onto his desk (that is right after telling his secretary that he doesn't want to be disturbed). It took almost four hours for Carl to finally find the perfect map. The island was in the middle and imprinted on top was the name: The Island of Thirty-Seven Demons.

While Carl chuckled at the odd number, he put the map in his suitcase and went off to find a new cast and crew.

Having now found his shooting location, Carl Denham went off to find his pair of actors in the place where he found his last leading lady: the streets. Of course, he knew it was not possible to strike lucky twice, so he went to a new street corner with even more bums than before. Finally, after hours of searching, he found the perfect girl. She had red hair, a small freckled nose and a face that could stop an entire army. He crouched down and whispered into her ear, "Would you like to get something to eat?" This instantly woke up and she leaped to her feet and gave him a large hug.

At Carl's favourite diner, the first words out of her mouth was "chicken soup", which he then ordered. Carl went immediatelly to the chase and asked what her name was. "Holly, no last name. My parents died in a hospital fire, when I was born and a nurse saved my life. However, she died only a couple of minutes later. So, I don't have a last name." While Carl was fighting back tears, he asked her if she ever thought of becoming an actress. Having lived on the streets forever, she had never been to the cinema or the theatre, so she didn't know what an actress was. "Well, you pretend to be someone else," Carl explained and then quickly added, "you also get a lot of money." Having wanted to be rich her whole life, Holly accepted his offer to be in his film and asked only if her best friend could also be an actor. They went back to the slums and picked up her friend, a strapping young man who introduced himself as Michael Eronworth.

I'm in business, Carl thought to himself. Now, all he needed was a cameraman and a writer. After dropping Holly and Michael off at his apartment building and ordering both of them a large lunch and more sophisticated clothes, he rushed off to the studio. He walked into Jack Warner's office and told him what he needed for his next movie. "Okay, I can actually offer you a cameraman and a writer for the price of one. They're best friends and both immensely talented. Here is their address." Carl then took off to his car and drove to the address that Jack had given to him. He knocked on the door a couple of times, but nobody answered, so he turned the doorknob and noticed that it was unlocked. The apartment was clean and orderly with many comic books filed in neat order on the shelves. Sleeping on one of the beds was a young man with long blond hair. Carl poked him to get his attention and he instantly woke up, not without shouting some absurd saying. "Poopytrim," he instantly shouted. "Hello," Carl asked, "are you Jason Mewes the cameraman?" "The one and only," he said. "I've heard that you're immensly talented and would like you to work on my movie." After Carl explained the movie to Jason, he agreed and told him that he immediatelly knew what camera angles to use.

They discussed this for about half-an-hour, until a bearded fellow in an overcoat walked in. "Hey, Kevin!", Jason said. This must be Kevin Smith, Carl thought to himself. After much introducing, Kevin promised to have a script ready for him in about two weeks time. "Sure thing" said Carl and walked to his car grinning from ear to ear.

Having now got his cast, writer and cameraman, Carl Denham now had to book a boat to travel to The Island of Thirty-Seven Demons. Unfortunately, the best he could manage was an small steam-boat captained by a young lad named Randal Graves. The boat would be set to leave at four in the afternoon on July 21. After about two weeks of grooming up Holly and Michael, Carl had finally gotten Kevin Smith's finished screenplay. Sitting in his office, he flipped through the pages while Kevin sat across from him smiling behind his beard. "I'm so glad Jack recommended you", Carl said after reading the script ", because this is absolutely terrific work. Just one suggestion: Can Holden fight a giant spider in the third act?" Kevin immediatelly turned upset and went on to tell him a story of a producer who gave him that exact same suggestion. By the end, Carl was in tears. "How Ethel Merman's hairdresser became a producer, I have no idea", he said.

After many weeks of rehearsal, they were ready to board the S.S. Quick Stop and go to the island. All five of them boarded the boat and they went off to sail. "I'm not even supposed to be here today", Captain Randal's cleaning boy, Dante said. "Quiet you! Hello, everyone and welcome to my ship. I am your captain Randal Graves and this whiny little boy is Dante Hicks. His cousin Gil will serve you dinner at nine in the kitchen. Until, I think of something more to say, I will alert you. Enjoy the voyage!" Randal told the production as they sailed off into the distance. Everyone went off to their rooms to take a nice little nap. Jason and Kevin both shared a room with separate beds. Carl had a large room just as he had ordered. Meanwhile, Holly and Michael both slept in the same bed, but their constant bouncing around stopped their neighbours from being able to snooze off.

After a long nap, the five passengers of the S.S. Quick Stop went down to the kitchen for food. At the table, Carl Denham discussed the plans with the ship's captain. "What we're planning on doing" explained Carl, "is going on the island and filming this picture every day. However, I don't know what is on there, so I will be requiring protection." Captain Randal said that his assistant Dante Hicks would gladly accepted to which he responded with probably one of the few things he knew how to say, "I'm not even supposed to be here today." Randal, instantly getting annoyed, yelled at him saying that he is going on that island or he won't go back home to New Jersey ever again. Since he took the job so that he could raise money for his girlfriend, who was placed in a mental hospital for doing unspeakable things to a dead man, he accepted.

They arrived on the island and Carl was very happy to see that the weather was perfect. He along with Kevin, Holly and Michael, got the script from his room and walked onto the land. Meanwhile, Jason Mewes got his camera and Dante brought his rifle. Randal was ready at the boat and went back inside to read a Tijuana bible and maybe sleep for a bit. Back on the island, Jason was setting the shot up, while Carl directed his actors and Kevin watched at the sidelines telling dirty jokes to Dante, who was laughing hysterically. This looked to be a good day and Carl was very pleased, indeed.

Jason Mewes had set up his camera on the beach, which itself was in front of a large jungle. Carl Denham wanted to film the dialogue scenes first (of which there were many), before started off to action-oriented ones. Holly and Michael were ready having read the lines over and over again the night before. After doing his directing duties, Carl rushed behind Jason and shouted "action" into his megaphone. His actors started to speak their lines and what came out of their mouths was pure beauty, which their director had never experienced before. He had to remind his secretary to get a hold of all of Kevin Smith's films when he got home, so that he could watch them. After they finished the scene, Carl yelled "cut" and said to his writer, "Brilliant work, my friend. You truly are a master of dialogue" to which Kevin nodded in agreement.

Just then, the trees started to rustle and suddenly a giant slug appeared from behind and roared menacingly. It was huge and slimy with gobs of saliva dripping out of his mouth. It also had large fangs of teeth that covered very aspect of his jaw. All everyone could do was gape at it, expect for Carl who thought to himself "Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have used the megaphone." Finally, Jason getting annoyed, grabbed Dante's rifle (which was lying on a tree) and pulled the trigger. However, since he had never used a gun before in his life, he accidently got Dante instead. So, with one last cry of "I'm not even supposed to be here today", he flopped to the ground.

The slug finished its minute-long roar and without warning, grabbed Michael by his mouth and rushed back into the jungle. Holly, distraught that her boyfriend had been taken away by a monster, rushed over to the forest, but was grabbed by Carl before she went in. "Are you crazy? That thing will eat you alive" to which she responded with a puppy-dog frown and quickly he retracted with "Fine, but take Kevin with you. Who knows whats in there?" Holly rushed into the jungle, grabbing Kevin's hand before going in.

Carl Denham ran back into the S.S. Quick Stop with Jason Mewes swearing loudly behind him. They rushed to the bridge where Captain Randal was scrubbing the window, which had a perculiar stain on them. "I knew I shouldn't have let Dante go, now I have to clean all this cu..", he grumbled but was cut off by Carl. "Dante's dead and three of my crew are lost in the jungle. I know this is a silly question to ask, but can you call for an airplane?" Randal stared at him for a moment and then told him that he doesn't have a radio, but Gil has something that might help. They were transported to the kitchen where the Hicks cousin was busy making some sort of stew. When told of the situation, he explained that he had made a special flying machine and pulled out something out of a Da Vinci design. It looked like a two-seat bicycle with propellors on top. Carl thanked him and then told Jason to bring his camera with him, because they were going to do some more filming.

Meanwhile, back in the jungle, Holly was running like crazy, so much so that she had dropped Kevin somewhere. Up above, Carl was steering Gil's invention while Jason was busy filming her running. "Are you getting all this?" Carl asked him, to which his cameraman replied with "Snootchie Bootchies." Carl just stared at him for a while, before it was explained that it was just a word he had invented. Finally, she arrived at the slug's cave, but was surprised to see that it was feeding Michael. Carl and Jason landed on top of the cave and the camera was lowered into the cave, but still unseen by the people inside.

Just then, a shadowy figure appeared on a huge rock on the distance. It looked somewhat like a bat, complete with pointy ears and a large wing span. When more light appeared, it wasd revealed to be Kevin Smith wearing a bat costume. He jumped and flew right into the cave, but ended up splatting into the slug and sliding to the ground. After a minute-long staring contest between the two, Michael did a sort of sign language and the slug started to feed Kevin some fruits as well.

Having realised the big slug was actually very nice, despite its menacing exterior, Carl and Jason also descended into the cave. It was at that moment that Carl finally came to the conclusion that friends are more important to have than money. He had never been with a group of people for so long who didn't disagree with him and trusted him. It was the happiest moment of his life. As the sun set, everyone grew tired and went to sleep.

Back at the ship, Captain Randal was still cleaning since his assistant Dante had now died. He was taking a broom from behind a cabinet when he found a radio. Since Carl had not yet paid him, he decided to call Animal Control to get that slug he was talking about under control. It took quite a while, but an airplane arrived and landed on the beach. Randal stepped out of the S.S. Quick Stop and greeted a woman with blonde hair and a large name who introduced herself as Marshall Hilton. She wore a fedora hat and a utility belt with a large tranquilizer gun. "I promise to get that slug of yours and put it in a zoo," she said and ran into the forest. After she stepped in behind the trees, Randal smiled slyly and nudged the side of his cook Gil Hicks. "Hey, that gun is as big as my di..." "Randal! That's disgusting! Can't you ever say something clean for once?"

Carl, Kevin, Jason, Holly, Michael and the Big Slug were all sleeping quietly in the cave when they immediately heard a gun shot. Everyone woke up and saw at the entrance a tall, blonde woman holding a tranquilizer. "No need to be alarmed! I am here to save you from that thing!" Holly and Michael horrified at how she described their new friend, charged towards her. The gun was thrown aside and caught by Jason. "Give me that," said Carl. "You're not going to fire that again." At that moment, Marshall Hilton pushed the two off the cliff, but they managed to hold on to the tips. While Kevin and Jason went to help them, the fedora-donning villain punched Carl in the stomach, got a hold of her gun and shot the Big Slug two times. It went down and after many hours, the slug was on the S.S. Quick Stop for a trip to New York.

It was then placed in a zoo where it was set to become a prime attraction in two weeks time. Worried about the Big Slug, the View Askew Crew (the name our five heroes now dubbed themselves) concentrated on their plan to save their friend. Of course, they also needed to film the other scenes and get quickly editing.

After post-production of the film had finished, they got ready to save the Big Slug. Jason Mewes was told to distract Marshall Hilton by sneaking into the zoo's office and shouting profanities into the intercom. When she left her post, the rest of the View Askew Crew sneaks past and arrived at the cage that was all cloaked up. Kevin checked inside and gave a thumbs up signaling that it was the right one. He pulls out a spoon from under his coat and started trying to unlock the cage. He quickly managed to do it and opened the very large door. The Big Slug hopped out and Michael and Holly guided it out of the zoo. However, just like on the island, they heard a gun shot behind them and turned around. Marshall Hilton was holding Jason by his hair and said "I believe this foul-mouthed powder addict is yours and that slimy monster is mine", followed by throwing him over to them. Before anyone could say anything, though, policemen came roaring into the zoo entrance in their cars and screeched to a halt.

"You're under arrest, Marshall Hilton for screaming profanities at top volume into an intercom and thus making all the children in New York swearing like little powder addicts." The marshall tried to explain that it wasn't her. "Were you the last person in the zoo's main office?" Hilton, very unitelligently, replied yes and so she was taken away by the men in blue. "Sorry for all of that," the constable told the View Askew Crew, "enjoy your evening. Central Park is beautiful this time of the year." "It sure is," they all replied as they watched the police car drive away.

Many months later after much promotion, their film was released in picture houses, grossing even more than the first one. Everybody was very happy with the outcome. Jason Mewes won an Academy Award for the cinematography work, in which he thanked almost everybody he knew, thus becoming the longest speech in Oscar history (until being surpassed by Greer Garson about a decade later). Kevin Smith met a comic book producer who referred to himself as Brodie Bruce and offered to turn his Batman character into a series of newspaper strips and cartoons. Holly and Michael got married, bought a farm and raised the Big Slug for the rest of their life. Now, what of our dear director friend, Carl Denham? Him and his friends started their own production company where they could make any film they pleased. We finish this story by saying that a film idea that would run around Hollywood until finally being made in 2006 was actually one thought up by Carl, until he realised how stupid it was. When asked by a reporter for Variety what his next project would, he responded with "Snakes on a Plane!" Well, all I can say is when that piece of work comes out, it will be proof that Hollywood is not what it is used to be.